The Courage to Write

I know in this cruel world there are many things that can make you afraid. But believe me, the Universe does not allow you to go through shit things alone. I'm proud of how strong you are to face these cold nights alone. I'm proud of you for still trying to see a glimmer of goodness in a day that seems scary to you. I'm proud of your kind heart that tries hard not to disappoint others, and proud that you try hard to be okay even when you're not. At least you tried hard to finish your day.

Learning to be independent and self-sufficient is indeed a good thing. I understand you don't want to burden others. But, how long will you hide behind the shield you built? I know your heart is very tired, I know the voice in your head is very noisy, I know there are a million questions there. Take a break, find the most comfortable place to calm your mind for a moment where you will get your strength back.

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Dealing with Pain You've Never Told Anyone

Being born into a happy family is a blessing that not everyone can experience. As mom and dad's favorite child, being raised with excessive love and protective parents sometimes gave the impression that I was the best child in the family - innocent and like an angel, I'm just a baby. And, the burden felt heavy when big problems hit, and sadly I couldn't tell anyone about it. Even though I am very close to my parents, that doesn't mean I am always open.

In 2017-2018, I made a very big mistake that I can't share. I've just realized the cruelty of life at that time. I realized that I couldn't always hide under the arms of my parents and hope they would solve my problems. That year was a year that really changed my life. I lived full of self-doubt and a crisis of trust in other people. And the worst thing was my distrust of myself.

And yes, I was very insecure because of what happened to me. Even when I met my close friends, I felt embarrassed and afraid; I was sick of having to answer the questions they asked about what happened to me. I was really down and didn't think that my feelings of self-doubt would be that bad. A bad incident sent me to a hospital in Jakarta to meet a specialist psychiatrist. My physical condition was already serious; I often experienced bleeding outside of menstruation due to hormonal imbalance caused by severe depression. Often experiencing panic attacks, I ended up taking sedatives, nerve medicine, and sleeping pills for almost a year.

Maybe it was because of high self-doubt, and a high crisis of confidence that made me embarrassed to tell stories, choosing to keep everything to myself, choosing to feel this suffering myself. Even in front of the doctor, I couldn't explain anything. I just remained silent with a pale face and cold sweat all over my body, my eyes darting everywhere as if unfocused and full of fear. Seeing my condition, I came alone to the hospital and didn't want to say anything, the doctor advised me to write. “When you don't have the courage to tell your friends or family or even anyone in the world, have the courage to write. Write what you feel on paper," he said. "Read books about life motivation and write down what you learn from the book." Actually, reading and writing are not my things. But yeah, I tried to listen to the doctor and do more reading and writing, which ultimately made me really love books and writing. In my opinion, reading is a therapy when our souls feel tired.

Healing Yourself by Writing

“Bookworm” is a word that is far from "cool" in this modern world. What I know is that when someone dates a bookworm, they will definitely be the target of their popular friends. “How did you end up dating a bookworm? Leave her with her books. She must be a boring person; her hobby is even writing." These words are often found among popular and cool people who don't even understand how writing has great power to heal someone. Don't pay attention to them, listen to me. Start writing.

When my mouth was closed tightly and I didn't know how to express my feelings to those around me, when my ears could no longer handle all the screaming from inside my head, I gave a life to this piece of paper. Hoping that all my sadness would pour out when my eyes couldn't shed tears. If this paper could cry, it would cry. 

In the future, this paper will be proof that a piece of paper can be your best friend, absorbing your sadness. Write as much as you need, because this paper will not punish you or judge you.

Do you believe that what you write has power? You must believe. When your mouth is open, without realizing it you often curse yourself with hurtful words: "I'm stupid," "I'm ugly," "I don't deserve to be happy."

Is it easy to write these bad words about yourself in a chat or on a piece of paper? Even to write, we need effort, looking for the location of the letters, looking at the right and left sides of the keyboard. We use our hearts so we don't write the wrong message; we will even correct one wrong letter before sending the message. If we use paper, we write carefully, hoping that what we write can be read well. 

If you are sad, write with your heart. I believe that the deepest heart will not be able to hurt you. The outside world has hurt you enough. So please, don't hurt yourself on this piece of paper.

If no one will listen to you, then write. A piece of paper will absorb all your pain. In the future, the pain that you put into this piece of paper will prove that you have succeeded in getting through this pain. I hope that if you read this and do the same thing I'm doing right now, one day you will read again what you wrote and realize that the strength you gain in the future comes from what you write now.

I hope that all the black stains and dark sides that you poured out on this piece of paper will find the end of the paper filled with happiness.

When you are still in elementary school like 1st grade or 2nd grade, generally a teacher will give you the task of writing a diary. You may be wondering why you should share your daily life with a teacher? The answer is because elementary school, kids are at the age where they are forming character and learning to understand how to express their feelings. They don't know what they should and shouldn't say to other people. Because they are just too innocent. The task of writing a diary helps teachers better understand their students' characters and what they feel or what they really want.

The older I get, the more I realize that adulthood is a complicated thing. Fear of saying something because of ego and opinions of others. I realized how it makes sense when my doctor asked me to write down my feelings on a piece of paper. This was because I had trust issues with other people and thought that other people would leave me if I told them about everything that happened at that time.

“If I don't say A like most people do, maybe other people will think that I'm weird."

“Everyone like me and adore me. If I tell the truth about myself, everyone will walk away.”

I think adults are bad at expressing their feelings compared to kids in elementary school. At least kids are honest with themselves even though they don't yet understand how to express something well and clearly. I think my doctor just wanted me to learn to understand my pain and makes me learn how to share my feelings.

Whoever reads this, don't lose yourself, even in front of a piece of paper. Be honest with this paper. It will help you get yourself back. If you are in this position, where you don't have the courage to express your feelings, where your head is full of fear... 

I beg you, just write. Be honest about your darkest side and all your fears. 

This paper will not judge you. If in front of other people you can't be yourself, at least you can be yourself in front of this piece of paper.

When you write down your fears, this paper will help you know how hurt you are. When you write down how hurt you are, this paper will guide you to understand what you need to heal. When you write down everything you need, you will read those things again, and your heart will talk to your brain to find the things that you need. Things that can help you.

Let your heart and your brain be good friends. Let them both find a way to find happiness for your healing journey. Trust me, you will be fine.

Believe me, this paper full of wounds will fix you. 

Because a piece of paper written with your heart will not be able to judge you.

Because a piece of paper written with your heart will not be able to see you lying to yourself. 

Be honest with your paper, even if it's just this piece of paper. 

If no one can listen to you, this paper will listen to you. When you speak and write from your heart, this paper will lead you to happiness. Let this piece of paper be your best friend..

Just start writing, with your heart.