The Courage to Talk

Sometimes we are faced with problems that make us feel unable to find a solution, feel hopeless in living our lives, and pretend as if all the bad shit that happened to us never happened. But one thing I learned at that time was that how we face problems is one of the ways the Universe builds our character. How do we get out of this vicious circle and find new strength.

I still remember in 2018, I was at the lowest point in my life. I went to one of the churches, hoping to find peace even though I didn't feel worthy to set foot in that holy house. I'm very far from religious, and going to church is not something I usually do. During the lecture session, there was one word that really hit me. Pastor Jeffrey said that to solve the problem, maybe God wants to help you.

“God wants to help you. But if you don't have the courage to face your problems and don't give some access to God to help you, how can you get out of all the suffering you feel? God can help you by sending other people into your life to help you solve your problems, but if you don't have the courage to get up, come out of your room, wipe your tears, and ask someone else for help, how can He send that person to help you? You can't just shut yourself up in your room, mourn all your sorrows, and then hope that your problems will just be resolved."

His words stuck in my mind. I reflected, realizing that I always locked my room, just cried, and didn't have the courage to tell my story. How can I hope for help if I block access to people who might be able to help me?

I learned that not everything can be done alone. Even now, I'm still learning to apply this lesson. I feel like if I ask for help or advice, it will be a burden on others. But we are only small people in this big world. We are only humans who have limits to our strengths. We are just small humans who actually need a shoulder to lean on. We are just small humans who, deep down, actually need someone to listen. We are just small humans who need a friend or family member to be a place to rest when the voices inside our heads are too noisy. We are just small humans who are not strong enough to face the cruel world alone.

On my journey to heal myself, I met my best friend, he is like my little brother, Dimas. Like an angel sent by God into my life, he is one of the reasons I can survive until now. We met when we were both at the lowest point in our lives. He told me how he survived in Jakarta, having done all kind of jobs to help his family. His enthusiasm made me admire him, and wondering how can this little kid be so strong? Meeting bad people is like his daily food. Alone in the big city... At that moment, I just wanted to be his older sister. I wanted to be someone he could rely on when he felt alone. Maybe because I really understand how sad it is to go through problems alone when the world is full of people who only want to bring you down and there are no ears willing to listen to your problems. Dimas and I always encourage each other like brother and sister, motivating each other even though we are both broken. But with him around, I feel safer. I felt like I had a little brother who could protect me, and even though in my eyes he was just a little brother, at least at that time I had someone to talk to.

Caca is also a good friend who played a big role in encouraging my enthusiasm for life during my dark times in 2017-2019. She is a friend with a strong personality, thinks very realistically, and has high enthusiasm. All the struggles I went through made me a very pessimistic person, but from Caca, I learned about being strong and thinking positively about myself. One time, I told her about my fear that in the future there would be no one who would accept me because of my past. Very often, I asked myself whether I could be good enough in someone's eyes. I felt like I'd never get true love because I'm not good enough. “Maybe I deserve heartbreak because this is my karma. Maybe people will leave me because of my past." That night, I cried while telling Caca. I don't know if Caca still remembers these words or not, but they always cheer me up when I feel low. “I know you are trying hard to get up. I know you are now a much better person. You learn, you improve. If people don't want to accept you just because of the past, it means they have wasted someone who understands what it means to learn from the past. They wasted someone who has tried to improve herself. And I'm sure there will be the right person who will appreciate your efforts to be better, the right person who deserves the best version of you." Caca is right. If someone can't accept the bad version of me in the past, then they don't deserve the best version of me in the future.

Maybe God doesn't always send someone to come and help us solve our problems. Maybe God wants to shape our character slowly by sending someone for us to lean on. It's not always people with great power, not always people with lots of money who can solve their problems with money, but people who can be good listeners and encourage us to be braver in facing our problems.

From this long, tiring journey, I learned that talking about our story is not that threatening, talking about our story is not that scary. Sometimes talking make us feel that there is someone in the world who can understand our condition, talking about our pain makes our hearts not feel so heavy, and even though solutions don't just come when we are talking, at least talking helps you to calm your mind when your brain is going to explode.

One time, my mother saw me coming home from work with a tired face and no enthusiasm. She knows that her daughter's character is quite closed, I rarely tell her about my problems. Let everyone around me see that I'm fine. But this is not always right. Wanting to look good is sometimes the wrong thing. At that time, my mother come to me who was sitting in the living room. She explained that in life there are various types of arrogance. If you look down on others, that is arrogant. If you think you are better than your friends, that is arrogant. If you feel you don't need anyone in this world, you don't need family, you don't need a partner, you don't need friends, that is arrogant. And if you think you can handle all your problems alone, that's arrogant. At that time, I questioned myself. Am I in the arrogant category? I never body shame others, never say that I'm better than anyone.. Well it's true that it's not arrogant. But if I feel like if I don't need anyone in my life because I can handle everything alone, I think that's arrogant.

I'm still learning how to be more open to other people. I'm still learning how to trust when someone want to listen our stories. I have to believe that in this world God will send some people that I can trust, people who can lighten my burden, people who will not let me fall alone.

In this cruel world, there are some people—indeed, many people—whom we cannot trust. Trauma from betrayal, trauma from being hurt again, and trauma from meeting people who intend to bring you down can be overwhelming. But don't ever let these traumas make yourself difficult to fix the situation.

Too much of your potential is blocked because you always feel weak and defeated by your past, which is full of fear. It's like you are stuck on the 5th floor, but because you are too focused and busy with the situations on the 3rd and 4th floors, you don't seem to have time to focus on going up to the 7th floor. In fact, if you focus on the situation on the 5th floor and try to improve it, all access to go up to floors 6 and 7 will be open. Many opportunities will open up in the present and the future if you try to let go and accept everything in your past.

Learn to find your peace.

Believe me, the world is not cursing you; your negative thoughts are cursing you to stop improving yourself.

If you have someone that you think won't hurt you, take care of them. And if you haven't found that person, believe that God will send that person into your life.

But promise me to have the courage to talk about your pain to someone you can trust. Promise to have the courage to accept a helping hand from someone who wants to help you because that is one of God's best ways to help you.

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Short Note for Anyone Who Still Doesn't Have the Courage <3

I believe there will come a time when things will become clearer.
I believe there will come a time when you can find true happiness.
I'm sure this world is not as bad as you think.
I'm sure there are still many good days to come for you. If today is a bad day for you, the Universe still has good days waiting for you in the future.
I'm sure that the Universe still preparing kind people for you to meet.
I believe there will come a time when you understand the purpose of the Universe.
Have the courage to believe. Trust me, everything will be fine in the end.
Have the courage to love yourself completely.

With love, D.