Can Overthinkers Feel Happiness?

"Overthinking kills happiness." 

I often see this phrase on my Instagram explore page, on Pinterest, and in books I read frequently. It hits me pretty hard because, yes, it’s tough to overcome this tendency sometimes. I admit, it's one of my bad habits that can complicate my happiness and even my overall life.

Besides learning how to overcome my overthinking, I’m also exploring another question: what if overthinking is just too deeply embedded in someone’s nature? Does that mean they can never find happiness? From the perspective of others, especially those who aren’t overthinkers, overthinking might look like foolishness. But to an overthinker, it’s not foolish—it’s a way they protect what they have. It’s their way of safeguarding themselves and understanding more deeply what they truly need.

I have no right to judge an overthinker or understand entirely how they became who they are; what I do know is that everyone has different levels of sensitivity. What may hurt you might not affect me in the same way, because we can never fully know how someone has been shaped by their past, their family, or their current environment. Therefore, strive to be a good listener and work to be someone’s safe place, especially if that person is an overthinker.

Nothing is more comforting and reassuring for an overthinker than finding someone who shares the same energy.  By “same energy,” I don’t mean someone who will overthink with them, creating a spiral where things get worse. When two overthinkers connect, they often try to fill the missing parts of each other.

You may have met someone who, even when you share only a piece of your story, but goes out of their way to assure you that you’re doing just fine, that you’ve done your best, and that there’s no need to worry about what lies ahead. This person seems to understand what you’re going through without needing every detail. Likely, they’re an overthinker too. They won’t burden you by worrying alongside you or by adding layers of doubt and insecurity. Instead, they’ll lift you up with words that reignite your confidence.

This is one of the beautiful qualities of an overthinker—they work hard to understand others’ emotions and choose their words carefully, not out of fear of causing harm but because they genuinely want to uplift you. Deep down, they’re giving you the encouragement they, too, wish they could receive from others. In a way, they’re filling the empty spaces in your heart with the words they long to hear themselves.

You don’t need to ask or beg an overthinker for encouragement or trust. Without you asking, they’ll give it to you first.

It may sound annoying, or even excessive, when you hear someone act in such a way. Yes, it’s annoying to those who don’t know how to deal with an overthinker.

On the other hand, one of the most challenging aspects of dealing with an overthinker is when they ask for the same things they give to others—encouragement and trust.

They put in their best effort, and they need to hear that it’s enough. Because if they don’t hear that it is enough, they’ll keep questioning themselves, wondering if they’ve done enough.

They try to make you happy, and they need to know that you’re truly happy with them. If they don’t hear that, they’ll keep wondering if you are happy with them.

They want to protect you, and they need to know that their way of protecting you doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable and that you’re okay with it. If they don’t hear that, they’ll continue to questioning themselves, if you feel at okay with the way they protect you.

Sadly, sometimes their energy is already drained by the time they’ve done everything they can. They might seem enthusiastic, striving for perfection, wanting to be the best, not wanting to disappoint. Because when they realize they haven’t given their absolute all and the outcome is disappointing, they end up feeling hurt. 

They think, "This task failed because I wasn’t good enough," or "This relationship ended because I wasn’t kind enough," or "The people I love are unhappy because I failed to protect their joy." They end up blaming themselves, feeling as if they’re simply not enough. 

Exactly. They need to realize that they aren’t responsible for other people’s happiness. Their focus should be on their own well-being and happiness.

Don’t date an overthinker if you’ll get tired of hearing thousands of words of encouragement that might seem excessive to you.
Don’t date an overthinker if you’ll get bored of reassuring them that they’ve done their best.
Don’t date an overthinker if you’ll feel like their attention becomes a burden to you.

Honestly, I’ve been at a point where I felt sad when others weren’t happy. But I’ve learned from the books I’ve read that building self-confidence is one of the most important things to overcome overthinking, even though sometimes overthinking still remains a part of me.

When I started learning to believe in myself, my overthinking began to lessen. I trust that I am doing the right thing. I trust that I’ve done my best. I trust that I’ve taken good care of myself. If someone is unhappy with the effort I’ve made, I no longer need to worry about it. Not everyone shares the same energy, and we can’t always align with someone else’s point of view. That’s one of the magic words I use to manage my overthinking.

Self-confidence plays a crucial role in overcoming overthinking. It helps us realize that we don’t have the capacity to control someone’s feelings or how others perceive us. Of course, we always want to be good people, but the definition of “good” varies from one person to another. What we really need to understand is that our goal is simply to strive to be the best version of ourselves, always putting in our best effort to be kind and considerate. Therefore, continuously improving yourself is the best way to boost your confidence. 

Becoming a better person requires effort. If you want to become a better IT programmer, for example, focus on improving your skills so that, as an overthinker, you can feel more confident in your work. If you're a painter, work on improving your painting techniques so that you can confidently showcase your art to others. You won’t need to worry or feel insecure because you know you’ve put in the effort to become a better artist.

In addition, being productive and having hobbies you enjoy can also help you manage overthinking. Why is having hobbies so important? Because hobbies play a significant role in boosting your happiness hormones, calming your mind, and distracting you from negative thoughts that arise when your mind and body are too tired to deal with them.

If you enjoy swimming, for example, join a swimming community with others who share the same passion. Discussing things you love is always enjoyable and can be a great way to shift your focus away from overthinking.

Although I know that being an overthinker can be exhausting at times, at least striving to improve yourself can help calm the mind and soul. At the very least, you know you've made an effort 😊.

If you're reading this and you're an overthinker, I hope you have a restful sleep knowing that you’ve given your best each day. I hope you realize that when you become aware of a mistake, at least you recognize it, and you want to improve—that is a good thing. And I hope your mind isn’t too overwhelmed because you’ll handle everything just fine. If you've been through difficult times and overcame them, it means you’ve been given the strength to handle whatever you're going through now. I just hope that everything will get better, knowing that we've done our best.

Maybe you should have more of these phrases into your life:
“At least I tried,”
“At least I learned,”
“At least I made an effort,”
“At least I realized it,”
“At least I corrected it.”

These simple reminders can help you appreciate your efforts and progress, no matter the outcome.

with Love, D